“WHAT WE DO TO YOUR COPY (AND WHY IT THANKS US AFTER)”
Let’s be honest. Corporate writing is dead.
And beige websites deserve to die with it.
I’m MARCEL ROMDANE — former bush pilot, elephant wrangler, dark humour memoirist, and your new worst nightmare if your copy still sounds like the elevator playlist of a Soviet bunker.
What I bring isn’t “editing.”
It’s a verbal wrecking ball.
I weaponize language.
I break bland brand voices and rebuild them with gasoline and sarcasm.
If your marketing copy reads like a therapy session for desk plants, I’m here to pull the plug.
COPYWRITING SO SHARP IT SHOULD COME WITH A DISCLAIMER.
Lucky for you — it does.
✅ Web Copy That Bleeds Truth
Words that punch, slap, and occasionally seduce. No fluff. No filters. Just raw clarity and bite.
✅ English Rescue for German Sites
If your English reads like a cry for help, I’ll fix it. Especially if you’re exporting cars, knives, or semi-legal gear to America.
✅ Product Descriptions with a Body Count
Because your backpack isn't "versatile" — it survives war zones, bad dates, and tax audits.
✅ Ghostwritten Bios So Good You'll Believe Them Yourself
Your fake story. My real pen. Everyone wins.
✅ Dark Humour Copy for Brands That Don’t Apologize
Warning: may get you banned from HR. And invited to better parties.
🔥THE SERVICES. OR AS WE CALL THEM: SANCTIONED VERBAL VIOLENCE.
Because “offerings” sounds like something a vegan bakery would say.
🧠 SEO Copywriting
The Boring Way: “We’ll research your business keywords thoroughly…”
The Romdane Way:
We don’t research keywords. We stalk them through the jungle and drag them back, bloodied and screaming. SEO that leaves a mark.
🕸️ Website Copy
The Boring Way: “An all-singing, all-dancing website…”
The Romdane Way:
We build sites that slap your customer in the face, scream value, and convert like cult recruiters on cocaine.
✍️ Blog Copy
The Boring Way: “Turns technical hieroglyphs into something more appetising…”
The Romdane Way:
You want blogs? We write them so sharp, they bleed. No fluff. Just content that stabs through algorithms and drags readers in.
🔎 Keyword Research
The Boring Way: “Learn what your customers are looking for…”
The Romdane Way:
We don’t track trends. We hijack them. Then ram them straight into your funnel at 160 km/h.
🎯 Content Planning
The Boring Way: “A clear ongoing structure for your ideas…”
The Romdane Way:
We take your brain spaghetti and turn it into a tactical missile strike. Precision. Punch. Purpose.
💣 Creative Copywriting
The Boring Way: “We aim to avoid generic, dull copy…”
The Romdane Way:
We don’t avoid dull copy. We carpet-bomb it. Then build something unforgettable on the wreckage.
🧨 Still reading?
You either love it...
Or you really need it.
😈 Testimonials (Fictional... or are they?)
Because real feedback is for LinkedIn influencers and court hearings.
“We just wanted a slogan for our chakra-aligned smoothie line. Instead, we got a battle cry. Sales are up, the juicer caught fire, and the universe still hasn’t forgiven us.”
— Co-CEO, Cosmic Greens & Regret Café
“We hired Marcel to rewrite our About page. Now the IRS is scared of us.”
— Unverified Arms Dealer, Texas
“We laughed. We cried. We hired him again just to see what would happen.”
— Mormon Survivalist Coffee Startup
“His copy turned our matcha menu into a manifesto. Three influencers fainted. One barista quit to join the French Foreign Legion.”
— Founder, The Enlightened Sip – Ubud, Bali
“This man needs help. Or a Pulitzer.”
— Anonymous Therapist, Probably
“We came for copy. We left with an existential crisis, six new customers, and a restraining order from HR.”
— CMO, Industrial Bacon Solutions GmbH
Hire the chaos. Or spend the next fiscal year wondering why your About page reads like a sleep aid prescription.
“Our brand was dying a slow beige death. Romdane showed up, detonated the marketing department, insulted our CEO, and somehow tripled our conversions. 10/10, would emotionally spiral again.”
— Anonymous Tactical Gear Company, now mysteriously out of stock
“We asked for ‘bold copy.’ What we got was an airborne molotov cocktail of genius, profanity, and goat-related metaphors. It confused Legal. It terrified HR. It worked.”
— Startup Founder, still recovering
“Romdane didn’t give us content. He gave us war crimes with commas. The kind of copy that makes your competition cry into their brand guidelines.”
— Freelance Marketplace Review (flagged and removed within 3 hours)
🐕 TEAM CHAOS INCLUDES:
Drax the Labrador
Co-pilot. Emotional support liability. Food vacuum. Sock assassin.
Morally questionable support animal with a taste for dead rodents and diplomatic incidents.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Nicole Romdane
The Cleanup Crew™.
Still holding her breath since 2009 while I hurl flaming punctuation into polite society and try not to burn the house down. Literally.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Kalli
Chief Engineer (posthumous).
Still shaking his head. Possibly from the afterlife. Definitely from under the engine cowling.
Now available exclusively as a ghost haunting bad decisions, leaking carburettors, and German sarcasm.
____________________________________________________________________________________
A Honey-Dripping Grenade
For bees, not bombs.
Though at this stage, it's mostly a semantic argument — and both tend to explode in customs.
____________________________________________________________________________________
A Typewriter That Screams
Not from overuse. From unresolved trauma.
Each keystroke is a war crime. Each sentence, a cry for help disguised as copy.
____________________________________________________________________________________
The IRS
Unofficial fan club.
Official warning label.
____________________________________________________________________________________
🏕️ Campfire Syndicate LLC | Wyoming, Earth (for now)
📡 Contact us—before we disappear into the savannah. Or get extradited. Again.
🔥 Hire the Chaos – Before It Writes About You. 🔥
☠️ Scared of Contact Forms?
You’re not alone.
Some people fear spiders. Others fear commitment.
You? You fear contact forms.
If clicking “Submit” feels like applying for a parking permit in Belarus—
here’s your lifeline:
👉 📧 Email us directly:
☠️ Disclaimer
If you’re the type who files complaint emails, alphabetises your trauma, or needs a trigger warning before a sentence — this is your final boarding call to beige heaven.
Everyone else? Click the damn button before the casket closes and HR schedules your surprise funeral.